I drove my black Subaru station wagon in the dark night … down a muddy dirt road … leading towards Alma's house on a slight hill. … After everything … I finally made it. … Here I was. … I parked my black station wagon next to her big red truck she bought from a friend in Texas. … There were no lights on inside the house but the front door light was on. … He looked up at the sky and noticed it started to rain.

It was cold. … he walked past some toys left outside and other things belonging to the kids … going up the front steps to the door. … It was dark inside … he wondered if he should be knocking on her door right now. … Hiiii … Hellooooo … Hiya. …
It was a little after midnight. … I couldn't wait any longer, thjough … I had to see her now.

The doorbell rang once pressed and I waited. … Soon, some lights came on in the house … eventually Alma … in pajamas and holding a baseball bat … walked … sleepily yet with fierce, tense caution … to the door. … Once she noticed it was me … some light rain trickling on my head … she froze. … She couldn't believe it … I didn't know how to respond, either. … All I could think of doing was smile and wait. … After more hesitation … she decided to open the door. … She still held the bat in her hand, though, I noticed.

- What're you doing here? she asked … tired but edgy … afraid … uncertain.

- I came to see you. … I know it's crazy for me to be doing this … out of the blue … after everything that's happened … with the last letters we wrote to each other. … I hung on that. … Those letters killed me … mine as well as hers … Torment … Asphyxiation … Suffocation … Evocation of Death … Cut open the spine … slice open the veins … feed my blood to the odorless dogs … find a bucket to my body parts in … I loved her too much … a love that loved not wisely … but too well … I was already near tears … I could feel the watershed of tears … pushing against the gates of my eyelifds … screaming to be let out … let us out! … let us out! … but I held them back. … Sent them packing to the Peninsula. ... but I really, really had to come see you.

- You did, huh? she said bitterly … but couldn't help love me at the same time. You came all the way from Los Angeles?

- Yeah.

- Why? She said with a laugh yet was obviously hit hard in her Lovers Gut … the fact I came all the way from Los Angeles … I could see the pain in her eyes … the front door light glimmering off the glass of the house windows … then bouncing onto her eyes …

- I love you, Alma.

She was so nervous and distraught … she laughed. … She wasn't mocking me … even though she was trying to … it was just absurd … painful to the point of a joke … this whole experience called Life … and this latest drama called me, Robert Robillard. … I could see her soul pounding through the walls of constriction … confinement … contagion …

She wanted to laugh, cry, yell, scream, punch me, kiss me, make love to me, and yet never see me again … all at once. … But the warmth … the love she had for me … was taking a dominant hold inside her. … She tried not to show it, though … and as good as she was at not showing her feelings … I could see it. … Seeing that in her gave me hope … it kept me there … instead of leaving in bitterness … giving up before anything more could be said by either of us.

- I know I'm funny. I laughed at myself. … Can I come in?

- No.

- Why not?

- You're a fucker. … She teased but also scolded me. Why didn't you call me before coming here?

- I didn't know how you'd respond on the phone … based on the last letter you sent me.

- Based on the last letter I sent made you think it was better to drive hundreds of miles to see me in person?

- Yes.

- You're crazy! She said with a loud, boisterous and painful laugh.

- I know … I am. … I came to accept that about three weeks ago. … Look, Alma … I really, really, really have to talk to you … It's extremely important. … I may not get another chance to talk to you.

- Why? What's wrong?

- I … I have to go somewhere … kinda far. … Soon.

- Ok well then call me when you get there and we can talk then.

- I may not be able to do that.

- You're starting to make me feel uncomfortable, Robert … what's going on?

- I'll explain once I get inside … I'm getting a little tired of this rain hitting my head.

- Ok. Don't make a lout of noise. The kids really need to sleep tonight.

I walked into the house from the trickling rain and closed the door behind me. … Alma was in the kitchen … pouring herself some water. … The mobile home on the inside was a clash between children's toys … things thrown everywhere in a mess … and an almost anal cleanliness. Alma cleaned the house often … but her children made a mess just as often … so the two actions stood side by side … one area being neat, tidy, organized, clean as could be … and another spot, the opposite. … Alma finished her water then was walking towards her bedroom door … while I was taking off my rain-drenched jacket and boots.

- So I guess you're going back to sleep? I asked her, kind of hoping she'd let me tell her everything right then and there. … But I didn't want to push it. … Better she was in a better mood … when I told her the news.

- I was planning on it. She responded wearily.

- Can I sleep on your couch? I asked but she closed the door and didn't answer.