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Part Eight - Maya

from Life by Love Chaos

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CHAPTER FOUR

THE FLUX OF LOVE

Then Maya found out she was pregnant ... Yes, she knew we were having unprotected sex, knew we were conscious of the possibility, and deep down she wanted to have a child. But she was still caught off-guard and didn't know what to do.

At first, she thought of not telling me. She'd run away to Mexico with Dinora, Javier, and the unborn baby (you, Daniel), leaving both fathers behind. Neither of us deserved fatherhood to her, so screw me and Emmanuel. She actually considered this. But something inside her told her she couldn't do that. Despite all the disappointment she felt she'd been dealt by both Emmanuel and myself, despite the fact she wasn't in a relationship with either of us, she couldn't take the kids away from us. Despite all the pain I caused her, despite how horrible I was in my own mind to her at times, she had to let me know.

On a sunny Sunday afternoon while driving to San Pedro to visit my grandma, Maya popped it out. Sitting on the passenger seat while I drove the car on the 110, she told me the news. She thought I'd be upset, perhaps tell her to have an abortion, or that I wanted nothing to do with the baby. But I was ecstatic, uplifted with a surprised joy. There was going to be a new being in this world, half me, half Maya. I was happy beyond words. This was not what she expected.

This threw her plans off a bit. First was the idea not to tell and split to Mexico. Once she realized she couldn't do that, she half hoped I'd get angry, get into a fight with her and not want the child, thereby making her flight to Mexico easier on her conscience. I'd be a jerk, easier to say “screw him” to. It'd also fit into her idealization, romantization of the old Thomas, the one she really loved, the one that was in love with her. She'd find it's form in the unshaped image of our child. With me out of the picture, it was neat and tidy to do.

But now it was messy, as it always was. I was utterly happy to have a child with her. Was I wanting to settle down, though, get married, and raise a family together? That's what she wanted most of all. But she knew that would be hard to get from me. She was so afraid of my answer so she never asked. That was why she half hoped I'd not want the child. Of course, she didn't get either option. I wanted the baby but didn't make it clear I wanted to be with her. There was uncertainty amidst the joy for both of us. At my grandmother's house we told her the news.

It was a happy shock, but a shock nonetheless, to my grandmother. This was never discussed with anyone. Maya and I ourselves had only that one conversation in the bathroom. The old lady liked Maya and of course her grandson, so was happy about the news, even though, like everyone else, she had uncertainties. Everyone knew of our troubles. Would I marry Maya? I said certainly not. Having a baby was beautiful enough.

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from Life, released December 14, 2014

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Love Chaos Los Angeles, California

Love Chaos (Derek Hunter) has released 9 albums on Bandcamp:

- Black
- Love and Death
- E.I.E.
- Black Light, White Dark
- Life
- Waiting for Amanda
- Surrealist Saints
- Major Arcana
- The Light and the Dark

He has also written and published 5 books.

For more info go to -

www.love-chaos.com ... more

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