CHAPTER TWO

MAKING A MOVIE AND BECOMING A PEACE ACTIVIST

At Damiano's, the first actor waited outside, meeting me, Gus, Bernardo, and Charlotte. He was a decent enough fellow before, a little awkward and shy. But now he didn't seem all that happy to see me and the others. As we walked into the restaurant and to a booth, I realized I made a mistake – the place was extremely dark inside. It was lit so low it was hard to see other people's faces even.

Everyone was quiet and reserved, put off by the darkness and the first actor's isolation. My nerves kicked in, not helping to break the ice with everyone. As the other two actors showed up – the older, ex-Vietnam vet, gruff, but funny guy to play Jack Henry, and the guy to play the youngest brother – things didn't improve. I continued to be nervous and stiff.

The older guy tried to break the ice with dirty jokes, which made everyone laugh a little, except Charlotte. She got offended and left the table, saying she had to make a phone call. There was too much testosterone, and one strange, dirty, old man for her. She wanted me to come outside with her but I refused, not wanting to abandon the others.

Perhaps I felt I didn't want to show the others – all men – Charlotte had that much sway over me. Of course, a simple act like that – and many more, over time – would've swayed Charlotte to consider me as a boyfriend. Things like that, putting her first before anyone else, turned her on. But for all of my attraction to Charlotte, at this point in our friendship my desire was much more tame than it came to be later.

When Charlotte came back to the table, she made sure to stay on my side, towards the edge, as opposed to before when she was in-between bad breath Bernardo and the dirty old man. Then to my and the other guys surprise, Charlotte comfortably nestled her head into my lap, curling up like a little girl, bringing her knees to her chest. It almost seemed to me she liked to put her head close to my crotch ...

It was another out of the blue act of Charlotte's, which made everyone unsettled. I loved feeling Charlotte's warm body on me as she moaned quietly a bit to show her comfort being like that. I put my hand on her waist, which she approved by holding my hand. It must've looked like to the others at the table Charlotte and I were lovers. I didn't exactly know what to make of it, but was casual and acted as if nothing was unusual.

It did, though, strike a tenderness into my heart. I wished I could be like that with her all the time. It was heaven, the sweet warmth of it. Was she telling me she was attracted to me by doing that? Or was it a move of friendliness and trust in me? Or a way of bringing attention to her, and making the other guys jealous? Or maybe, she did it as way to show her support for me, in opposition to everyone else's complete lack of enthusiasm. Perhaps all four or none.

The vibe of the pizza meeting didn't improve unfortunately. Even the old man got a little closed off and stopped telling jokes and stories. Gus was the most shut off out of everyone, putting the hood of the sweater over his head. He didn't say one word the whole time, as if he was embarrassed to be there. I should've called Gus out on his “New York, hooded, streetwise, I'm more real than anyone else here” posturing, but I didn't. I was still too nervous, and acted as if I owed everyone there something.

I made some attempts at loosening things up, asking each of them what they wanted to get out of not only this movie but their careers. All the guys gave short, one or two sentence long, clammed up answers. Charlotte was the most enthusiastic, saying that if she could become famous through acting, she'd use her name recognition to influence people's thinking on social and world issues. She said it in her bubbly, corny way but it was sincere and honest. It was more honorable than what all the guys had to say because she wasn't trying to be cool like they were.

I just couldn't ease things up. There didn't seem to be any chemistry going on. As I went into discussing the next steps for the production, I got a sunken, disappointed feeling in my gut. I lost confidence in myself as a director and was not only disappointed in the professional actors, but my own friends. Gus and Bernardo were like lumps of wood. Out of everyone – my buddies – they were the least enthusiastic, especially Gus.

Gus' sense of creative and personal superiority over me had been in our friendship since the beginning. As I got older and we got to know each other better, Gus gave me more respect, but the underlying feeling of superiority was still there. It was a relatively common dynamic in my friendships, unfortunately. Other friends besides Gus, in the past, were similar in their attitude towards me. Not that I was completely dissed all the time by friends, including Gus, but the undertone was there. It would express itself in moments like the cast meeting at Damiano's.