CHAPTER TWO

WINNING THE HEARTS OF GOTH CHICKS

Sax, like before, dressed sexier than Chaos but while dancing kept her distance from people. The two girls let their inhibitions down more than normal, though, and seemed a little drunk. In a moment when Carolina danced further away from me, Chaos crept closer, then stumbled a bit and found herself in my arms.

I thought she'd quickly stand away but instead rested her head against my chest and her arms around me. Both Sax and I were surprised. Chaos felt so nice and warm in my arms. We held each other for several minutes, her arms tightly grasped around my waist, her hands tenderly touching my back as she moaned.

I was turned on intensely as she told me she was comfortable being held by me. I leaned down as her face was turned to mine, her eyes closed, mouth open, vulnerable, tempting. I opened my lips and was about to kiss her when she turned away and told me “not yet.”

People dancing began acknowledging the intimacy between us. Some were amused, some smiling, some laughing. Sax seemed a little jealous, occasionally stepping in close to us with a dance move. While I cherished this moment with Chaos, I could tell she was really drunk. She told me she liked me, but she wasn't ready for a relationship. I wasn't thinking of a relationship, I was thinking of a kiss. She felt and looked like a little dark angel in my arms.

Almost fifteen minutes past of holding Chaos in my arms before Sax came and pulled her away. The two girls went somewhere in the house, perhaps to be with some friends. I was disappointed with the abrupt yank by Sax. Even if Chaos was drunk and didn't mean what she said, the tenderness felt good.

Then it was time to find Bernardo. Usually he'd do some dancing when we went out, but apparently not tonight. Where was he? I left the dance area and went on a search. Bernardo was sitting by himself outside on the upper level, next to one of the patios.

It was one of those nights where one guy was having a good time while the other was not. Bernardo looked miserable. It wasn't as if I got any closer to hooking up with anyone, it was just I enjoyed the night more. There were plenty of other nights where I was the self-pitying misanthrope. Tonight, though, that role belonged to Bernardo. He seemed real bad.

Bernardo babied a beer, looking off into nothing, as I sat next to him, inquiring into his state of mind. Bernardo told me about Chaos and Sax, how after he and I split up, he hung out with them for a while. At some point they began to give him the cold shoulder and ignored him. So he left and began talking with some other people.

At the start, Bernardo thought the group was interesting and the conversation worthwhile. Then at some point in the interaction, everyone began acting as if Bernardo didn't exist. No one in the group, girl or guy, treated him with any sort of friendliness. Bernardo's sense of isolation screamed out inwardly. He continued wading through the party, continued to get the feeling no one gave a shit about him, no one gave a shit about anyone.

As the night went on, he became bleaker and bleaker. In his despair, his frustrations with sex came out. He couldn't seem to connect with anyone. What was off about him? What was holding him back? Was he doing something wrong or were people really that cold? Was he deep down gay or bi-sexual or a-sexual? Was he just a frustrated heterosexual with too much Catholic guilt? Or was he simply an awkward, insecure, inexperienced guy? He admitted to me at that moment he felt completely a-sexual, that he just wasn't able to make anything work, on a sexual nor emotional level, with anyone.

As Bernardo was near the bottom of his despair, I sympathized with him and worried. I told him that was exactly how I felt on many occasions. Just sitting there, listening with understanding ears, kept Bernardo from going off the deep end. I could tell. That was enough. There was no false sympathy. Still, Bernardo was furious and stood up.

“Fuck it. Let's go.” he shot out after finishing his beer.

“You want to leave the girls behind?” I asked.

“Sure, why not?” Bernardo said in a flat, bitter anger.

“Hey, um ...” I put out with hesitancy, not sure if I should bring up what I was about to. “Did you see what happened between me and Chaos on the dance floor?”

“Yeah.”

“She was drunk ...” I said, hoping the intimate moment with Chaos wasn't the main reason for Bernardo's bleakness. “I don't think she knew what she was doing.”

“It's alright. If you like her and you think something might happen between you, we can stay.” Bernardo said sincerely, though had a pain of jealousy within him, as well.

I looked at Bernardo and waited. What was I going to say? I found myself liking Chaos now after holding her in my arms, but Bernardo was obviously into her, too. And, both her and Sax and everyone else that night shot ice at the poor guy. There was no certainty of anything between me and Chaos, so why let Bernardo down? He was, after all, my friend, and Chaos was a girl I just met. She also wasn't the warmest person in the world.

“No, let's go.” I responded.

“You sure?”

“Yeah.”