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Part Nine - Charlotte

from Life by Love Chaos

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CHAPTER THREE

THE DOWNWARD SPIRAL INTO LOVE FOR A FEMINIST

Seeing me in turmoil, knowing I felt bad for what I did, she couldn't help but feel compassion. She said she understood why I got angry, since the father and son were such pricks. She hated them, too. She asked if she could read the letter now, while I cooled off. Uh-oh. This was it. Sure, I said. She walked across the street to where there was a streetlight and began reading the letter. I didn't move, just laid there on the concrete, looking up at the dark sky, waiting.

Fifteen minutes later, she came back. She must've re-read it a few times. I looked up at her as she walked towards me and I noticed she'd been crying.

“I ... I'm really flattered, Tommy ...” she said nervously, emotionally, as she sat next to me on the curb. “I had no idea you felt this way ...”

“... I had to tell you ... I couldn't hold it inside any more ...” the emotions overwhelming ... she now knew ...

I couldn't move, I couldn't even look at her, but I did have the impulse to hold her hand. She accepted and our fingers locked tightly. Neither of us could say anything for a while. We were absorbed in silence until,

“It's a beautiful letter ...” she said cautiously.

“Thank you ...” I replied with a shake in my voice.

“I mean, it's really dense, there's so much to it ... you express so much to me ... it's so heavy and well, you ... I just ... I just don't know how to respond to it, to the letter, to you ...”

“I don't know what to say right now, either ...”

“I mean ...”

“... Yeah?”

We were frozen. We were both overwhelmed and uncertain, at a complete loss of what to say or do. We continued to hold hands. We were out in the abyss, drifting in our emotions, especially me, but perhaps just as much for her, if not more ... this was new to her ... I'd been swimming in this for a while now ...I wanted to say the right thing, do the right thing. I didn't want to screw this up.

“You know, Tommy, how I feel about you ... I like you only as a friend.” she said carefully, letting go of my hand. “Nothing could happen between you and I. I'm with Sharon. We're serious about each other.”

“I know ... that's why I wanted you to know I don't expect anything from you ... You don't have to do anything.”

“But ... I really had no idea you loved me in this way ... I wish you had told me before ...”

“... I ... I do, too ...” I began to say, the weight of her words hitting me. What was she saying by wishing I told this to her earlier? Did she mean that if I told her earlier on, before she got together with Sharon, that she would've wanted to be with me? Was she admitting to this? I couldn't tell. Then, a streak of defiance came within me. I never felt there was the opportunity, although I suppose now wasn't a real opportunity, either. “It's just I felt like I never had a chance with you. When I met you, you were with Ali. As soon as you broke up with her, you got together with Sharon. There was never an opportunity to tell you.”

“Just to let me know, though ... you know?” she said, with conflicted motivations it seemed. I could see her almost crying out two different things at once: one, she never wanted me, and two, she wished I tried harder to win her over in the past. “I mean ... not so I, um ... not for us to, you know ... I don't know what I'm saying ...”

“I'm sorry to do this to you ...”

“No. Don't say that. It's okay. You should get this off your chest ... I see how important it is to you ... and, really, I'm flattered you feel so strongly about me ...”

“You don't think it was a bad idea ... to tell you?”

“No, not at all. We were wondering what was bothering you recently and now ... now I know ... But are you sure ... are you sure you really feel what you say you do in this letter?”

“Yes. Completely.” I said as I sat up.

“How long have you felt this way?”

“I don't know ... perhaps since the first day I met you.”

“Really? All this time? Eight months?”

“Maybe ... I don't think it came on strong, though ... I didn't realize it ... until about a month ago ... It's just ... ”

“... Yeah?” She said uncertainly.

“I guess it's been ... it's been a whole lifetime of looking for something, in another person, some kind of understanding, a sensitivity, a kindness, an intuition ... something where I could see a person had that light inside, that they weren't dead inside, that they hadn't given up life, that they hadn't resorted to shallowness, that they were deeply disturbed by life, that they had an unshakable sweetness, a purity that no one, nothing in life could rip away ...” I said with tears streaming down my face, an overwhelming passion screaming out of me. “Just person after person after person of finding nothing, nothing going on inside, like they turned the switch off, decided it was game over, shut down, yet kept going with smiles over the closed door, kept pushing along for no good reason, they kicked out the purity, kicked out the understanding and put their ignorance on a fucking pedestal ...the whole world swallows people up ... never lets them breath ...” I continued, covered in tears, trembling in emotion and heartache. This was a life-long pain, the life-long pain of us all. I was laying myself completely bare, letting Charlotte see my soul, letting her see me in all my desperation and yearning. I never let anyone see me like this, so completely and utterly naked. I was in a black pit and the heavens were shining at the same time. I was engulfed. It was volcanic and Charlotte didn't know what to do. “... and with you ... I thought ... I thought maybe I found someone who could see what I was looking for, someone who didn't want to kill the purity, inside themselves or in other people ... I thought you'd understand, because recently you've shown me you understand, that we are, indeed, the same kind of creatures ...”

“I do understand, Tommy ...” she said, tears falling from her eyes. She was so overwhelmed, hit by a freight train ...

“... in this last month ...” I continued. “I realized just how much I loved you, in so many ways ... and my love for you is free, as free as I can make it, as giving as I can make it ... I don't want to hold you down, I don't want to hold you to anything, to any expectations ... I'm not doing this to get something from you in return ... and I don't expect to get anything from you ... you don't have to feel the same way as I do ... you don't need to reciprocate ... my love for you is so strong and so non-possessive that if some day you were to get married and you told me, the day before your wedding, that you wanted to spend the night with me, make love to me only that one time, I would do it ... whatever you gave to me, I'd accept it ... all that I ask is that you understand ... that's all I need is understanding ... nothing more ... there's so little understanding in the world, it beats me down ... I'm sure it beats everyone down ... day after day ... day in, day out ...again and again ... I guess that's why I reached out to you ... I needed someone to understand ...that's all ... nothing more ...”

We spent a good hour on the curb together. I felt it was one of the most beautiful moments I ever shared with anyone in my life ... there seemed to be a true connection between us ... Life rarely ever gave two people an opportunity like this to happen. We got up from the curb and I asked her if she was okay. She said yes. We came to an understanding that we would remain good friends and co-workers, nothing more. We shared a beautiful experience together this night, and from now on our friendship would be even stronger after this.

As the canvassing finished, right before Siango picked us up in the van, I asked Charlotte if we should tell anyone. She said, no, we shouldn't tell a soul. No one at all. I agreed. No one else would understand.

Driving back to the office in Culver City, Charlotte and I sat next to each other in the van. We were still recovering emotionally from before, but we talked and joked around. It seemed we were comfortable and at ease, as if we had released all the tension in all the world earlier that night. Before going to the office, the two of us wanted to get a bite to eat at Benito's down the street. We talked about a movie she saw recently that was about friendship. As we waited for our burritos, she rested her elbows on the counter and stuck her behind out. She noticed me looking at her ass as I stood behind her, and she wasn't bothered.

The rest of the week, my canvassing still sucked. It seemed I continued to run into people who wanted to use me as a punching bag. The abuse I got at the doors was relentless. I seriously thought about quitting C.W.F.P.S.J. The only thing I enjoyed working there was being around Charlotte. Our continued close friendship kept me from saying “screw it” to the job.

Exactly a week from the day I gave Charlotte the letter, I canvassed the Pico/Robertson area and had one of the best canvassing nights ever. Not so much money-wise, but in the interactions with the people. I met three people who became members and lifted my spirits from the never-ending canvassing desolation I'd gone through before. It was great. I was on a high emotionally as I got back to the office.

I told Siango about my night and he was sincerely happy for me. He then apologized and said he had some bad news.

“What is it?” I asked while we sat privately in the other office. Charlotte and Sharon were the only two left in the main office, across the hall, behind the closed doors.

“It's Charlotte ...” Siango said with a concerned look on his face.

“Yeah?”

“She's come to me and Cassandra with something ... Cassandra was hoping to be here to talk about this with you, as well, but the timing was bad since she needed to be up in the Bay ... so it's just me ...”

“Okay ...” I said, wondering what it could be. I really had no idea.

And then Siango, as gently as he could, hit me with the news. Charlotte went to Cassandra and him, and told them about that night ... She told them that I had blown up at some “mild-mannered” family, then I gave her a love letter, I began to shake and tremble and cry and scream, then told her I wanted to have sex with her ...

I never felt so horrible in my life ...

Never had I frozen so coldly in one flash ... in one moment of complete and utter coldness ... Never had I felt such bitterness ...

credits

from Life, released December 14, 2014

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Love Chaos Los Angeles, California

Love Chaos (Derek Hunter) has released 9 albums on Bandcamp:

- Black
- Love and Death
- E.I.E.
- Black Light, White Dark
- Life
- Waiting for Amanda
- Surrealist Saints
- Major Arcana
- The Light and the Dark

He has also written and published 5 books.

For more info go to -

www.love-chaos.com
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